Dear God,
Thank you so much for this new day. I know you created this day, just as you did every day before it. As the sun is rising, I can feel you here. Your spirit is hovering over this day, over the morning as it moves from dark to light…. and hovering over me….
I know that you are ready to descend and bring life into what would otherwise be dead and meaningless. I know that you’re waiting for me to allow you to come and bring order into my chaos… the chaos around me as well as inside me. The chaos that I can already feel nipping at the edges of my mind and my heart as I start this new day…
God, I know that you can and you do heal miraculously. And I’ve been praying for you to heal me of the anxiety that has plagued my life. It’s been a constant companion from childhood, and I have treated it with medication for almost 15 years now. I realized long ago that I didn’t want it to affect my parenting in the negative ways that it was capable of, and I reached out to a doctor for help. I don’t regret that. I have however longed for my mind to be healed through your power…
I was praying about it yesterday, and I felt you speaking to my heart that you ARE healing me… but that it’s a process. There are years and years of wrong thought patterns, wrong coping mechanisms, even of generational strongholds passed down… and God is working on these things inside of me; but it is and will be a painful process.
I can feel God saying that this anxiety is baggage I was never meant to carry through this life. He didn’t want it for me when I first picked it up, and he doesn’t want it for me now. But removing it will be uncomfortable…
Things definitely feel uncomfortable right now. I feel aware of God teaching and unteaching, if that makes sense… And it feels really confusing at times…
Sometimes I feel the discomfort must mean I’m not in the right place at the right time… and my instincts tell me to jump ship! To swim as fast as I can back to what’s comfortable and what’s familiar… My feelings tell me that maybe I was mistaken when I felt God was speaking certain things to me, or directing me in certain ways… But my soul tells a different story. It feels the call of God. It feels restless, inspired…. It longs for more…
There’s a battle waging inside of me. No, not a battle… it’s a war. Bringing with it the feeling of great victory one day, and the sting of defeat the very next…
The small, still voice of the Lord is always there though; when I take the time to listen. I hear his voice saying to my soul, that the strongholds in my life were not erected in a day, and tearing them down in a moment is not the answer; though I wish for that so badly….
The Lord directed me to a passage in Exodus, in which he was telling the Isrealites that he would lead them where he wanted them to go; that there would be battles ahead, but he was with them.
He said to them: “I will drive out your enemies from before you. I will not drive them out in one year, lest the land become desolate and the beasts of the field become too numerous for you. Little by little I will drive them out from before you, until you have increased, and you inherit the land.” (Exodus 23:28-30)
The Lord spoke to my heart that he is growing me right now “little by little.” I am growing, as a person, as a woman. Growth that had been stolen from me, whether it be through life circumstances, traumatic experiences, or by generational curses… I’m not growing as fast as I’d like of course, but that’s part of his plan too.
I can feel God saying that it’s time to venture out of what is familiar to me, out of the dysfunction that I have accepted as normal…. just as he led the Isrealites from their bondage in Egypt. They wandered 40 years in the wilderness, before they would settle in the promise land. That journey literally could have been so much quicker, but it was necessary. They had to unlearn and release things they had been taught in their bondage, in their slavery. There were times during their journey out, that they said, “This is too hard! I’d rather go back to Egypt! Take me back to the captivity that I know, rather than on this scary journey of unknowns, to my freedom…”
God is calling me out of my bondage, and I know it’s not gonna be easy, nor instant. I feel him saying it’s time to leave the comforts of “Egypt.” My Egypt is my familiar thoughts, my normal ways of existing, of moving and being in this world. I feel God saying that I was always meant for more, and that my restless soul has always known it. It’s time to fight against my fear of leaving the knowns of my “Egypt,” and it’s time to venture into my unknowns…
One thing I’ve realized is that a lie is kind of like a pebble. Small, insignificant at first… Beginning in my childhood, I was handed little pebbles, little lies; and I accepted them. I took them into my mind and my heart. I collected them, laying them down, one by one…. placing one pebble on another, and another, and another….. until one day, I woke up and realized I was behind a massive wall of lies. A wall that I had built with my own two hands, by accepting the lies handed to me by the enemy of my soul. Isolated behind that wall was exactly where he had always wanted me to be. And where he wanted me to stay…
I know that God could dynamite that wall to pieces. My faith knows that! But I’ve come to realize that isn’t how these strongholds are coming down for me. God is speaking to my heart that it’s time to disassemble this wall instead. And that means taking the time to look at the lies I’ve accepted and collected over the years. It’s time to pick up each of the pebbles and to look back at the moments that I allowed each to become a truth for my life. It’s time to see how those lies have distorted my view of myself and of life in general…
The enemy of my soul buried some beautiful parts of me behind those lies; some wonderful, vulnerable parts of my soul. And getting back to those parts, to the girl and then the woman that God created me to be… that’s likely to be painful. It’s gonna require seeing the truths behind the lies that I accepted, and sometimes those truths may hurt…
But I hear God saying, “It’s time…. Grab my hand daughter, and we’ll get through this together…
He’s saying, “It’s hard work, I know! That’s why you’ve avoided it for years. You will feel more lost than ever sometimes, in this process of change. You’re going to have to unlearn some habits, and that will feel impossible. There will be days that your emotions say, forget it! But your soul is ready, and you won’t find peace unless you keep moving forward in obedience to my voice…
“You have to challenge your very way of thinking, and that’s a near impossible task, without me. You’ve lived 35 years on this earth. I’ve seen every moment, heard every prayer, bottled up every tear…. I know you. But as you begin to challenge the person that you have become in those years , it will feel like it’s killing you. Keep running back to me in those moments and I promise that you will live; you will not die…
“Run to me on the days that you feel so lost and so off track, on the days that you feel alone and like you don’t belong anywhere…. when you feel like you have no idea how you ended up where you are, nor where that even is… on the days you don’t want to get out of bed, run to me daughter…
“Because there will be days that you will look with fresh eyes, and see the progress…. days that you will hear my voice and feel confident in where to place your feet…. days that you will once again feel sparks of new hope and joy and life…
“My daughter, I am the Creator and the Lover of your soul. I was there when you entered this world, and I breathed your very first breath into your lungs. I have seen your journey through life. I’ve seen the hurt and the disappointment. I have heard your prayers and your cries. I’ve heard every beat of your heart and know each hair on your head…
“I’ve seen the enemy of your soul attack you, handing you lie after lie; even as a child. He became so confident in the damage he’d done, when he saw a woman whose joy was stolen, whose mouth was closed, whose head was bent down low…. a woman crippled with anxiety…
“But I, Your Lord, am the Lifter of your head, and I have never stopped calling to you. I have never stopped hovering my spirit over you, over all your chaos and disorder and pain… Waiting for you to realize that as my daughter, you don’t have to accept the lies any longer!
“Yes, healing is often painful; and your progress is coming little by little… But you just keep your eyes on me, beloved… I am the God who sees and hears and knows. You’re not alone, and you are not overlooked.
“The progress may feel slow; but if you don’t grow weary and you don’t give up, I will make all things new. Even when you can’t see it nor feel it, I am still at work in your life. Trust my process, for I AM changing things…. and I AM making you free…. just as I created you to be.” <3
171 Responses
I love this so much, Charity! So heartfelt, so true, and so beautifully written.
Aw thank you Cherie! It’s a honor to be able to share my thoughts, prayers, and struggles. <3
Charity, amazing!!! That’s all I can say. With every pebble you disassemble, something new and beautiful is being built!!! “You” ❤️
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