The Rollercoaster Ride of Motherhood

It’s so true when they say that to have a child is to have your heart walking around outside your body. And there are so many ups and downs from one moment (or more like one second) to the next… All you moms out there know what I mean!


That rollercoaster of emotions has the highest highs, but also the types of lows that will make you question everything!…. But being a mom is a rollercoaster ride that I will gladly spend the rest of my life on.


Motherhood… that one word has come to define so much of who I am, what I think and feel, where I go and when, and all my why’s…. From the moment I officially became a mother, over 14 years ago, everything that word means began to permeate my entire being; until now, as a mom to two girls, there are times when I forget that there’s anything else left of me.


Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning… drowning in the tidal wave of their wants and needs and desires and demands. Drowning in the tsunami of my desires and fears for them, and of my insecurities about every decision I make. Sometimes I’m drowning in absolute frustration when they push me past my limits…. And then I’m drowning in absolute love the next moment at some little thing they’ve done or said.


As moms, I’m pretty sure we’re all guilty of trying to be everything to everybody, while forgetting how to just be somebody to ourselves, or how to let others be their own people as well…. But that becomes especially true when life turns bitter, and every mama instinct in you wants nothing more than to protect your babies from the pain that hard times bring. It’s hard to accept that try as we might, there are things in this life that we will not be able to protect our children from; we just have to let them know they will never be alone through any of it.


Me and my girls have experienced many changes, good ones and bad ones. My oldest has been beside me through so much of my heartbreak! Some that she knew about, some that I did my best to hide. She made her debut to my rollercoaster ride of life with a surprise discovery of her presence, about mid-way through my four years of college. I had been accepted into the nursing program, and needless to say, I was terrified about how to bring that little life into the world without putting mine on hold….


But with that angel inside of me, I mustered all the strength I had to keep going. She was there inside me when I married her dad; and she was there as I continued to walk up and down the steep hill that led to the college. She entered the world, and I kept her close by me as I kept working on getting my degree.


Then, as life tends to do, the bitter came. I discovered the challenge of mothering with postpartum depression. And then on top of that, I walked through a divorce that knocked the breath out of me… But she was my constant companion through it all. We moved twice after that, living with my grandparents and then my mom. But we kept on going, all the way to my college graduation, my first nursing job, and then our first apartment.


She will never fully comprehend, that though I gave life to her…. in reality, she gave life to me. There were so many times I wanted to just give up. Crumble up in the corner and forget about everything and everybody…. But there was that sweet face, always looking for me, that little hand reaching for mine in the dark. Though life had let me down so many times by this point, I could not, and would not, let her down! And that was what kept me going…


While we made things work in our little world, life once again did that changing thing, and that little girl ended up standing beside me as I remarried her dad. Full of new hopes and dreams, we became 3 again, instead of just 2…. and then we became 4. I found out I was pregnant after we moved from my first apartment into a rental house. Then my second daughter made her entrance into the world right after we bought our own home and had barely finished moving in. Her sweet face and tiny hand fit right into my heart, a place that I didn’t think would have any more room left. That overwhelming love I had for my firstborn just multiplied and expanded, as I realized that I could love this angel just as much!


That crazy ride called life just kept going, and with both girls right beside me for it all, I made the transition from full-time to part-time nursing. I wanted to be available to them, while I still had them with me. I remember feeling scared. Would we be ok? Would all the ends meet at the end of the month?…. But of course, they somehow always did.


There was just something inside of me that knew this motherhood thing, though it would always be a part of who I am, one day would not be such a huge part. One day it wouldn’t consume my every waking thought. One day, when my girls embark on their own rollercoaster called life, I’ll have a minute to remember (or discover for the first time) who else I am, outside of their mom…. The chances I had to make lasting impacts on them were limited. So while they are here, by my side, I wanted to cherish every one of those moments that I could. And I’m still cherishing today….


Once again though, life turned down a different road, as it tends to do. With two girls this time, I walked through my second divorce from their dad. That one hurt even more than the first, believe it or not. And there was a moment, in the midst of my extreme hurt and anger, that I almost gave up. There were moments during that time that I lost focus on their sweet faces. The darkness threatened to consume me. I turned from God, from almost everyone…. but they were always there, their beautiful faces were my reminders to come back to the light, whatever it took. Life had once again let me down so harshly; but I could not, I would not, let them down.


My oldest had been very little through the first divorce, but this one really affected us all. Their pain has always been my pain. And I tried so hard to carry theirs along with my own. Continuing to be a mother, especially a single mother, while dealing with your own heartbreak, has to be one of the hardest challenges I have ever faced. I got up everyday, and I tried to keep a smile on. I tried to keep our routines and our traditions going, tried to keep myself together…. just to fall to pieces every single time they weren’t in sight.


But life keeps going. And they kept needing me, just as I desperately needed them. I slowly crawled out of my darkness, and was able to once again stand confidently by their sides, and once again truly smile at their sweet faces. They were still my little companions as I experienced healing and growth, and also as I rededicated my life to God. I remember wondering if I would have to go back to a full-time work position after the divorce; but the months came and went, and the ends always ended up meeting, though just barely at times. Life kept moving on for me and my girls.


Then life changed once again, as both of my girls literally stood beside me as my bridesmaids, and I married their step-father. Their joy was my joy on that day! I had already seen their love for him and his for them. The 3 were now once again 4.


Now I’m not naive enough at this point to think that it’s smooth sailing from here on out. Life’s twists and turns are usually never very far ahead…. BUT I still know my girls will be beside me no matter what. I know that those girls will love with me, they will laugh with me, and they will cry with me; as I will with them. Just like it’s always been.


I know I’ve made mistakes as a mother. I fail every single day…. But one thing I’ve learned over the years, is that that’s ok. It’s ok to not be super-mom some days. It’s ok to tell them I’m sorry when I mess up. It’s even ok to let them know when I’m struggling. Just as I hope they will always feel ok sharing those things with me…. What they really need is just to know that I am there, and always will be. We will learn and grow and hurt and love and figure things out together!


My prayer is that God will help me to never lose sight of my true role in their lives, and the way that role changes over the years. Moving slowly and surely from their constant protection and companion, to places where I have to make myself step back as they become their own person and make their own mistakes…. Whew, that’s hard sometimes!


One day, I know I’ll have more time to figure out what else there is to me, outside of being their mom. I’m even working on it a little now… One day, they won’t need me so much. But no matter what changes, I will always be their mother. They will always be the most precious part of my rollercoaster ride called life…. Whether from close beside me as they are now, or from further away as they find their own paths in life.


Yes, there is more to me than just being their mother….. But being their mom will always be, in my eyes, one of the best parts of who I am!


I hope all the mamas and mother-figures have an amazing Mother’s Day! <3

157 Responses

  1. Thank you Charity for sharing your heart. This is beautiful and touching and I totally agree, being a mama was the best thing I ever did, most rewarding through all the good times and the hard times, making my heart full of love. Love you

    1. Thank you for the feedback, Aunt Kay! Yes, being a mother is truly a gift and a calling! What a blessing to be trusted with shaping the lives of others in that way. Love you!

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