I’ve been a Christian for as long as I can remember. It is SUCH a huge part of who I am. Sure, I’ve had my ups and downs. I’ve made plenty of messes along the way (and still do). But I’ve always come back to my faith as the stabilizing force in my life. I’ve had hard times of course, but those times just caused me to draw closer to God in search of comfort and strength.
There was only one distinct time in my life that I actually turned away from God. It was a time of shocking, gut-wrenching betrayal and heartbreak. I was so blind-sided by the events and the pain they caused me, that I was unable to process it all for a period of time. I questioned God that time. Why, God?! I thought everything was good! I thought I was in the right place this time, doing the right things….
But sometimes life pulls the rug out from under you, and if you aren’t careful, you may realize there was literally nothing under that rug. The fragile sense of security that you had been standing on and hoping in, turned out to be a complete facade. And when everything falls apart, you may find you have nowhere else to look but straight into the chaos that had been there all along, right under the surface….
I fell into that darkness, and I stayed there for a bit. But in the end, I had no choice but to fight my way back up to the surface. And part of that fight began at the funeral of a young girl whose life had ended so unexpectedly. I sat there and cried, thinking about the harshness and fragility of life. At the end, a call for salvation was made, and I raised my hand to rededicate my life to God. Yes, life had been harsh, and there was surely more harshness ahead… but if the final rug got pulled out from under me tomorrow, I knew I didn’t want to leave this life with the ultimate regret: never having turned back to the God that I knew had always been there for me.
I ran back into His arms, tears streaming down my face. But He had been there all along…. He had not been the one who betrayed me. He had only waited patiently while I figured that out….
He had always been there. From my childhood, where I watched my father give in to alcoholism over and over (though he is now an overcomer, by the grace of God). Through my teen years, when I felt so lost and longed for love and meaning. When I experienced my first love, and that love proceeded to break my heart over and over. And over….
He was with me through unplanned pregnancy, through divorces, through betrayal by “friends”, and hurt from family…. Through so much disappointment; some totally undeserved, some brought onto myself by myself…. God has been my one constant, my one source of comfort, my one certainty when nothing else was.
I ran back into his arms that day, and I could feel that His love for me had not changed. He wasn’t shaking His head in disapproval of how horribly I had handled everything, though I definitely was! He wasn’t rolling his eyes or saying, “About time!”…. He was just there; there to catch me when I finally gave up on finding my way out of the darkness on my own.
When coming back into my relationship with God, I had to learn to let go of a lot. I was embarrassed of how I had turned from God and how poorly I had been handling life in general. It took me a while to finally open the Bible back up (and even longer to walk back through the doors of a church)… But when I finally did open my neglected Bible, I decided to start back over at the beginning. I began to read words that I had read many times, but it felt like I was reading with new eyes and new understanding. Perhaps all of the pain that I had experienced, the letting go of my hopes and dreams, the letting go of my concerns about what others thought of me and of my disappointment in others and mostly in myself; perhaps all of that had lifted some blinders that I had not known were even there.
The depth of revelation that I began to experience during my Bible time was ultimately what led to my desire to start this blog. How had I not seen and felt all of this before?! I had been a Christian for so long! I had always been sincere in my faith, and yet I felt like I had missed so much somehow…. My next question was how can I share this with others??
I began to desire to share these things with my children as they grew in their own walk with God. Maybe I should start writing out all my notes to give them when they were old enough…..
And then the idea of starting a blog hit me! I could have a collection of my scripture notes, as well as document other things that I’ve learned and experience, that I could share with my children when the time was right…. and maybe, just maybe, someone else could be touched or inspired by my writings as well.
And as they say, the rest is history! Here we are. My hope is that all who read will find some comfort and will feel that they are not alone….
Because life is always changing, and love changes things, and I’m changing too. <3
143 Responses
Absolutely beautiful! Just like you!
I pray all God’s greatest gifts and blessings for you and your girls! They are everything worth living for! Believe in yourself because of what Jesus has done in you. You are truly seated in Heavenly places! I love you! ♥️♥️♥️
Thank you, Shay! I appreciate all those prayers.
God has brought me and my girls through a lot, just as I know he has done for you as well. What a faithful God we serve! Love you! <3
Brought tears to my eyes. I too have been in that place of rejection and desperation. It amazes me to stand back and see the big picture and how faithful God has been through it all!
Thank you for your comment, Cherie! It’s comforting to know that we are not the only ones, when we’re in the midst of the dark times.
And even more comforting to know that others have gotten through, so we will too! God is good! <3
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